I'm not new to writing blog posts, it's something I like doing because it gives me a place to shout in more than 140 characters, and apparently there are people who listen to me shout things, as shown to me through page views and retweets. Well damn,would you look at that.
I'm in no means a professional author. I wouldn't be here shouting aimlessly into the depths of the internet if I was, I'd be out partying like Rick Castle, fucking bitches and drinking the finest bourbon. But that's just it. I'm not trying to talk to accomplished authors, I mean, they've already done what they set out to do: write something people will read and enjoy. I'm not writing to them, I'm writing to people like me, the lazy fucks who're sitting on unfinished works with no direction in life, wondering what to do next.
I'm a foul-mouthed, lazy slob who runs back to mommy every time life gets a little too tough, and it gets tough a lot. I've got a two-year community college degree five years in the making. I'm the last person you could say "Yeah, she's got her shit together" about. But it's because of this that I really want to get this message out to people: don't be me. Don't be the fat, lazy, drunken sailor-swearing moron who can't even sit down long enough to finish one project. Be the opposite. Be the one who wants to succeed and actually believes they can succeed. There's a big gap between wanting and believing... it's not really something I've been able to leap over yet, but I'm working on it. That's what this blog is about.
I want to really break free from myself. I want to believe in my own capabilities and my own talent. I've been told my many people, friends and teachers, that I'm a good writer and that I could go far. I've also had teachers tell me to get my head out of the clouds and get a real job and stop chasing the stupid child's dream I've had for as long as I could write. I want to be able to tell them to go fuck themselves, but to do that, I'd have to succeed at something first. Otherwise, they'd just be right and I'd be shouting aimlessly into a void again. But this time, the people listening wouldn't be so receptive.
But the naysayers aren't my biggest obstacle. I'm a large lady, I've been chubby longer than I can remember, and blew up like a balloon on the tail end of high school. I've faced judgement. I've learned to largely ignore the negative. Until it comes from someone I can't walk away from: myself.
They say a person is their biggest, harshest critic. I'm pretty damn sure it's true. I'll be writing something I love, getting really into the story and the characters and then take a moment to re-read what I've done so far. That's when shit starts to go downhill. Fast.
I'll find problems with everything. From the choice of using one word over another to an entire paragraph I deem unworthy of my idea, I start to scrap sections and sections of my labours of love, and near the end, I'm stuck with mere skeletons of the things I've made.
I'm sure there are many authors who've gone through this. They probably shook themselves off and filled in the gaps, making masterpieces of prose so beautiful it makes us masses weep in their presence. They might have written the next Gatsby or the next Moby Dick. I'll probably never reach that point if I continue like I am now.
I can't get past the skeleton stage. I'm left sitting there, dumbstruck, that I could ruin an idea I loved so much with my poor wordsmithing and utter destruction of what could have been salvageable. This is usually the time I just leave it, never to return. I've got binders and binders, boxes and boxes full of half-filled notebooks (from before the computer era, GASP) I never wound up finishing because I became disenchanted, not with my ideas (although, some of them were shit, I'll admit), but with myself and what I deem to be my many many flaws. (There are many that are obvious to everyone. I should probably focus on those, honestly.) I've got folders and folders all over harddrives, Google drives, flash drives, any drives I can find, honestly, full of half-baked stories, ideas and outlines I never intended to finish from the beginning. I'm plenty full of ideas to write about, but I lack the belief that I can write about them in any successful or meaningful way.
That's what I'm setting out to change. One step at a time, I hope to overcome my personal demons to actually finish something for once. I'm not talking short stories or lewd fanfictions, I've written plenty. I'm talking a full-blown, bonafide, respectable novel to show for all my slaving away over all these years. I want to show those pessimists that I can do it. I want to show myself.
I've got to hit the ground running, and there's no day like today.
No comments:
Post a Comment